I am real.

I just wanted to share something with you that I wrote in my journal today. Here it is:

Dear Journal,

I just wanted to jot down a few, quick thoughts before I start my day. I initially bought this journal to be my "happy and spiritual" journal- to record all my happy and spiritual experiences. There are a lot of entries in here that are just that- happy and spiritual...but there are also a lot of entries that are not so happy and spiritual. These journal entries can be sad and they all reflect my weaknesses and sometimes my lack of spirituality or faith as well. I was thinking about that and how I wish I wouldn't have written some of the entries I have written. I have even torn some entries out as well because I thought that I would never want anyone to read the sad or negative things I have written. I wanted this journal to be read by people and have them be uplifted when the read it. I feel like I have failed because not all of the entries are uplifting...some of them were written in my lowest moments.

I thought about that and how I kind of feel ashamed of myself for those moments of weakness, negativity, and self pity that I had chosen to write about and then I realized something. I realized that if there was ever anyone in the world who only wrote about their positive, spiritual experiences then they wouldn't be telling the whole truth about their lives and who they are. They wouldn't be honest to the people that read their journals. They would only be creating a false idea of perfectionism that isn't reality. I am real. I'm not what you see or read about in magazines and I am not ideal. I am not the seemingly perfect woman you see at church every week and I am not the person who blogs (or writes in their journal) while wearing rose colored glasses. I complain and I am negative just as much as I rejoice and stay positive. I do not fake my smiles. I do not pretend I am happy when I am not. My life is not ideal and I mess up a lot and do and say really stupid things. I am real.... and this is reality: even though the goal of life is to continuously improve yourself and to stay positive, it is an impossible goal to achieve and I will tell you why. In order to experience happiness we must first experience sadness. In order to be positive we have to experience negative. In order to have goals to be better we must first fail and be...well, stupid. And that is okay. I think it is okay to fail, to be sad, to be stupid, and to not be positive all the time. It is exhausting if you have ever tried to fake your happiness and if you've ever met someone who does, they are just annoying.

I will tell you what I am trying to continuously do though...I am continuously trying to survive and get through my day! I am on a continual search for balance, rest, and peace...and some days I never find what I'm hoping for that day....and that's okay. It is okay to have bad days. I think that is normal. I define a good day as being able to go to bed at night feeling at peace with life and the situations you are in....and if I don't have that at the end of the day I vow never to fake that I did. Faking that life is all good and happy when it is not only creates false ideas of perfectionism of yourself and for others around you. I refuse to pretend my life and the choices that I make are perfect and I refuse to pretend I'm doing okay when I'm really not. People need to see people being sad. People need to see others struggle or else how are we ever going to lift that person up if we don't know if they are struggling? How are we going to comfort those who need comfort? Mourn with those that are mourning? Lift one another's burdens and show people you care about them? Huh? If people don't see people struggle, how are we supposed to serve them in the ways they truly need? How will we recognize their cries for help? You won't. You won't be able to unless they are being honest with how they feel. People- stop faking! Let us be real. Let us see each other in our low moments so we can lift each other up and make true friends who love us for who we are- flaws and all.

So no, I am not ashamed of my depressing, imperfect journal entries because they are apart of what makes me real. I am not happy all of the time people!...and I would like to meet the person who is.... (actually I really wouldn't). My experiences-good and bad- are apart of my existence and my earthly experiences. So from this day on, this journal will no longer be made for the sole purpose of recording happy and spiritual experiences. It will be used to record my life as it is and the thoughts I have everyday and the struggles I go through in search for peace and fulfillment, and yes, happiness.

Phew....what a relief it is now to feel like I don't have to be perfect anymore.