Have you ever logged onto Facebook and wished you wouldn't have after reading everyone else's statuses? Take no offense if the following were or ever were your statuses but I just logged on today and read things similar to "My baby's progress: week 13...my baby has just developed the capacity to taste and smell...." and others like "Ultrasound photos!", "Hey guys, guess what....what rhymes with eggo!? I'm preggo!", and then the ones that make me the most upset..."My baby won't stop crying! I got up 4 times last night and I'm so tired!". WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU HAVE A BABY HUH!?
If you can't tell I have a lot of baby stuff on my mind and feel kind of alone right now. I've always liked Facebook because it helps me feel not so disconnected with the world but now, more than ever it is making me feel even more disconnected. I hate reading about girls I knew that are 2 years younger than me that just barely gave birth to their 2nd child. I cry when I see the status of my 18 year old friend who just graduated high school and got pregnant out of wedlock. And I want to scream at the mothers who post things about how angry they are that they aren't getting enough sleep or how annoying their children are. Really girls? Be grateful that you have children. Some of us women would kill to be getting up 5, 6, 7, 10 times a night to comfort and hold and feed their child. Some of us women would give anything to have screaming kids in their living room. Call me crazy....but I want that. I would give anything to be a mother but right now I just can't be.
I know I'm not the only one out there though and I know that I'm not the only one who is having heartache. My heart goes out towards my friend in her 30's who has 2 sons with Autism and who desperately wants a baby girl but isn't able to conceive anymore. She experienced one adoption placement that fell through already on the day of the baby's birth and she is preparing for the second placement that is on it's way soon. How her heart must ache and pound when she thinks of her potential daughter's birthday and how the mother may change her mind. How hard that must be!
And then there is my dear, sweet, true friend who lost her first child when she was 8 months pregnant. They never found out the cause but she's stayed so positive throughout the whole thing. I admire you so much.
I know that I should just accept that most people's statuses on Facebook will always bug me and accept that Facebook is all about who has the best this, the best that, or the most friends but I just can't get myself to delete my account. I don't think that is the answer anyways. I think the key is accepting your life as the way it is and then having faith that one day your prayers will be answered. It's just so hard to wait. But if I didn't have my faith it would be even harder and for that, I'm grateful.
I have faith that one day I will be a mother of children who will wake up at all hours of the night crying and I have faith that one day I will have screaming children in my living room too. And I have faith that Kyle and I will make great parents to those sleepless, screaming children. I have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for Kyle and I and that He is more aware of our needs than we are. I have faith that our children aren't here with us right now for a reason and that we need to wait a little longer for them to be sent to us so that they can fulfill their special purposes here on earth. Whatever the reason for the wait and for the trials we are experiencing on our journey towards parenthood I have faith and because I have faith I have hope and I hope I can wait however long I need to to become a mother. Thanks for reading.
11 comments:
You are such a sweetheart. I felt the same way about facebook for a while and then I just had to remind myself that some people just haven't gone through enough trials to learn to appreciate what they have. And some people aren't mature enough to be more sensitive about what they post. Just remember that the Lord has big plans for you!
I feel like I could've written this exact same post on my blog. It is so hard seeing everyone getting pregnant, when you can't. I hope things work out for you guys. I'm not a fan of waiting or not knowing the future, but someday we will both have our babies.
Surprisingly, I was having the same thoughts recently and didn't have the guts to express them. Good for you. We aren't ready to have kids yet but seeing everyone else with their new little families makes you feel somehow "behind the curve." Oh well, I guess we're all in the same boat. :)
As odd as it seems, I have two children, I am not experiencing my own issues with fertility for the second time. I know that I am not the extreme in this case and most people don't even know. But I do understand--although not as well as some. I'm sorry. I am also bad about complaining when I have so much. So I'm sorry if I am a whiner on my blog and make it harder for you.
I meant, now, not not. I am now experiencing my second time of fertility issues
Kaity, you're amazing! Thanks for expressing your feelings so honestly. I think there are many of us who feel the same way that you do. It's frustrating. I love what Ash said and I totally second that. I love you so much Kaity.
Thanks guys, it feels good knowing that there are people out there who are experiencing the same things or who at least can have sympathy. And don't get me wrong,there is nothing wrong with posting happy or complaining news on Facebook, all I'm saying is that it is hard to look at when you are on the other end of the perspective. =) Thanks for all your support and love and friendship. I hope that all of you current mothers or pregnant mothers or future mothers will be blessed with all the blessings you desire. Thanks for your support.
And Holly, I wasn't writing with you in mind at all, I haven't noticed if you are a whiner or not but I know that I am. I think one of my last posts was all about me whining about something or other so I am guilty of it too =) I will pray for all of you and your individual trials with infertility, waiting, losing, and trials of motherhood. Good luck everyone!
I love you Kaitlyn. It breaks my heart to think what you and Kyle are going through. Continue being strong and faithful. You will be a wonderful mother when the time is just right.
Thanks Kristi! I love you too =)
Kaitlyn - I don't know if you even know who I am but my name is Marie (Brewer) Belliston. I am Kyle's cousin on Pam's side. Anywho... I now have a little girl, Brynlee (9mo) and we waited SO long for her! We have been married 7 years. I can't tell you every thought that came into my mind while reading your post, the quickest way would be to say DITTO! I really hate seeing mom's complain about their kids consistently - on FB, blog, etc. Children are such a blessing, an absolute miracle. I hope one day we will understand the reason for all the waiting that takes place or the reason why good couples aren't able to have children when so many others that don't even want children get pregnant all the time. Someday. I wish you the very best with your wish and hopes and dreams! I have no doubt that you and Kyle will make amazing parents someday! mariebelliston@hotmail.com
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